“…ladled in premium sauce, the good stuff.”

We ordered the Extreme Meat Pizza.  The clerk promptly grabbed my pie from a heated serving display platter and we were eating in no time. The crust… is light and crispy, and smothered in premium sauce and 100% whole milk mozzarella for an authentic pie I wasn’t able to get enough of. Seriously, I had another slice…and you’ll have another slice…::leans in closely so you can smell his stinking pizza breath::…you will have another slice, do you understand me?

It’s not hard to agree with having another slice! At a price of just $5.55 for a 14-inch circle of pizza you could probably stop by and grab a slice everyday.

This shocking revelation comes after years of suspicion fueled by the prescient minds of children, declaring vegetables ‘icky’ or ‘gross,’ unwittingly revealing the evolutionary memory to avoid the apparently highly toxic flesh of vegetables. The study, completed by a team of researchers lead by Dr. John Purdue, posits that vegetables, which can be seen eaten extensively throughout the historical record (the study included examination of historical photographs, paintings, sculptures, cave art, blog posts, and other forms of human recording technology), have always and unfailingly lead to the death of the consumer.

“We have found a 100% correlation between consuming vegetables, and eventual death,” said Dr. Purdue, in his trademark southern drawl, “Every time someone eats a vegetable, they are stepping that much closer to their eventual death. We ignored the genetic memory expressed in children’s distaste for vegetables for too long. Our gene sequencer, developed by Purdue Technologies, has found unequivocal evidence of this gene. With this information, and in light of recent findings about vegetable use throughout history, we have come to the only logical conclusion, and that is to recommend complete removal of vegetables from the human diet.”

The study goes on to recommend a daily increase of a single 1 lb Purdue Chicken breast to offset any vitamins or minerals previously gathered from daily vegetable intake.

Check it out and we hope it balances you out.

Artwork

An unnamed high school located in Oregon has announced a plan to introduce a marijuana-focused class to it’s students. Dripfeed received a notification from the school’s PTA Public Relations Department on Tuesday afternoon. The notification claimed that it would offer a semester of “…activities revolving around learning the effects, culture, cultivation, and marketing surrounding the Marijuana industry.” 

Dripfeed turned to social media to get further details surrounding the use of marijuana by the high school students, we received a Facebook friend request, followed by a student’s personal testimonial sent via Facebook Messenger:

“Well basically, [when the class smokes] I start to feel released from the constraints of society. I start to imagine the classroom as this small box that I can float above. From my new perspective above the classroom, I notice how the campus is like a maze with multiple endings and solutions. One path of the maze leads you to Advanced Math class, the other path takes you to eat chicken nuggets with the special-ed kids in the cafeteria because you got there too early. It’s like this whole place is made of hallways.”

Photo Courtesy of PTA Public Relations Association.

Dripfeed will continue to stay in contact with the high school and relay developments on this groundbreaking educational class.

What are your thoughts about high schoolers using weed to get high? Leave your comments below.

“I didn’t know that walking could be so tiresome,” said Bob Chipman, CEO of TweetWhomblr. “This is the last time I plan on doing something like this.”

Emergency aid was refused by the National Guard.

5. Anime

The gateway drug to autism development is anime. While it used to be rare and hard to come by, anime has infiltrated the media and most people are now exposed to it at a very early age. Many claim that anime is Japan’s revenge on western society for the use of the A-Bomb, but small amounts of anime exposure is harmless, so this claim is most likely exaggerated. Doctors recommend not exceeding 1 or 2 hours of anime watching a week if you’re hoping to avoid heading down the autistic path.

4. Internet Forums, Aggregates & Imageboards

Discussion of niche topics is always a good outlet to express and hold conversations you wouldn’t normally be able to with the people in your neighborhood. On discussion forums, you can learn a lot about any of your favorite hobbies (i.e. carpentry, boating, fishing etc) and share your knowledge as well. However, if you find that you’re getting easily enraged by the opinions of others then you may be on the road to full blown autism.

3. Collectible Card Games

Made popular by, Magic the Gathering created by legendary mathematician Richard Garfield, and given a boost in popularity due to Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh, collectible card games (CCG for short) have become a staple for people gravitating towards adult autism. There are several factors to this:

• Cards are assigned an arbitrary value based on nothing – This is a lot like the stock market and people spend all of their time pricing and gouging these products, instead of actually using the same skills to determine which stocks to buy to make real money.
• There’s a CCG for everyone. If you identify as a pony, an x-wing, or even an anime girl, you’re sure to find a printed piece of cardboard that appeals to you.
• You have to memorize many rules and card interactions, but most of the time games just end based on who spent the most money.

All of these facts compounded apparently increases your odds for catching autism.

2. Music

Music makes the world go ’round and is absolutely a great emotional outlet. You can empathize with, sympathize with and even ride the waves of a good song. But researchers have confirmed that obsessing over what is ‘pleb’ taste or ‘dad-rock’ may cause the onset of autism faster than any other means. If you’re worried Moz may actually play a show for once instead of canceling it and you actually care – immediately stop listening to music for 3 days.

1. Video Games

The number one cause of post-adulthood onset autism, is video games. While many adults grew up playing video games, now video games have taken the place of TV as the most watched form of entertainment. People who play video games are only a small percentage of the “gamer culture”. Researchers recommend attributing 0% of your day to video games. The risk of autism is too high for any video games to be considered safe for consumption.

We hope you found this guide helpful. Leave your thoughts in the comments.