This shocking revelation comes after years of suspicion fueled by the prescient minds of children, declaring vegetables ‘icky’ or ‘gross,’ unwittingly revealing the evolutionary memory to avoid the apparently highly toxic flesh of vegetables. The study, completed by a team of researchers lead by Dr. John Purdue, posits that vegetables, which can be seen eaten extensively throughout the historical record (the study included examination of historical photographs, paintings, sculptures, cave art, blog posts, and other forms of human recording technology), have always and unfailingly lead to the death of the consumer.

“We have found a 100% correlation between consuming vegetables, and eventual death,” said Dr. Purdue, in his trademark southern drawl, “Every time someone eats a vegetable, they are stepping that much closer to their eventual death. We ignored the genetic memory expressed in children’s distaste for vegetables for too long. Our gene sequencer, developed by Purdue Technologies, has found unequivocal evidence of this gene. With this information, and in light of recent findings about vegetable use throughout history, we have come to the only logical conclusion, and that is to recommend complete removal of vegetables from the human diet.”

The study goes on to recommend a daily increase of a single 1 lb Purdue Chicken breast to offset any vitamins or minerals previously gathered from daily vegetable intake.

Pharma Pseudocal will follow the rise and fall of famed Pharma Entrepreneur, Martin Shkreli

It has been announced that Adam Scott will be playing Shkreli in the film. We’ll keep you updated as more details surface.

Trump has grown immensely as a force for contention of the GOP nomination this year. That scares a lot of people, like analyst Rick Wilson, and for good reason. Most of Trump’s growth has come from Japanese propaganda such as Umaru-Chan – Don’t Respect your Elders, I’ll One-Punch America Back to the Depression Man and Boku no Pokemon. The Japanese have been heavily influencing American politics for years through anime and they have a vested interest in seeing Trump as president. Anime fans are known for their extremist views and their ability to fap at least 3 times a day to drawn pictures of anime girls with dicks (also known as futanari) and Donald Trump is no stranger to this audience. He’s been seen time and time again pandering to this audience during his rallies. Some of his rallies feature stories told from anime girls or him quoting some of his favorite idol’s from LoveLive. “Trumpo Trumpo Trii”

Whether or not you like Trump is irrelevant though. He’s garnering so much of the Anime vote at this point, it makes sense why Bush’s advisors are scared. Ted Cruz has practically given up his campaign and Rubio was last seen taking a boat back to Cuba from Miami. Polls show Trump leading the pack for the nomination and anime is the unicorn he’s riding to the top.

Video via Mediaite-

5. Anime

The gateway drug to autism development is anime. While it used to be rare and hard to come by, anime has infiltrated the media and most people are now exposed to it at a very early age. Many claim that anime is Japan’s revenge on western society for the use of the A-Bomb, but small amounts of anime exposure is harmless, so this claim is most likely exaggerated. Doctors recommend not exceeding 1 or 2 hours of anime watching a week if you’re hoping to avoid heading down the autistic path.

4. Internet Forums, Aggregates & Imageboards

Discussion of niche topics is always a good outlet to express and hold conversations you wouldn’t normally be able to with the people in your neighborhood. On discussion forums, you can learn a lot about any of your favorite hobbies (i.e. carpentry, boating, fishing etc) and share your knowledge as well. However, if you find that you’re getting easily enraged by the opinions of others then you may be on the road to full blown autism.

3. Collectible Card Games

Made popular by, Magic the Gathering created by legendary mathematician Richard Garfield, and given a boost in popularity due to Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh, collectible card games (CCG for short) have become a staple for people gravitating towards adult autism. There are several factors to this:

• Cards are assigned an arbitrary value based on nothing – This is a lot like the stock market and people spend all of their time pricing and gouging these products, instead of actually using the same skills to determine which stocks to buy to make real money.
• There’s a CCG for everyone. If you identify as a pony, an x-wing, or even an anime girl, you’re sure to find a printed piece of cardboard that appeals to you.
• You have to memorize many rules and card interactions, but most of the time games just end based on who spent the most money.

All of these facts compounded apparently increases your odds for catching autism.

2. Music

Music makes the world go ’round and is absolutely a great emotional outlet. You can empathize with, sympathize with and even ride the waves of a good song. But researchers have confirmed that obsessing over what is ‘pleb’ taste or ‘dad-rock’ may cause the onset of autism faster than any other means. If you’re worried Moz may actually play a show for once instead of canceling it and you actually care – immediately stop listening to music for 3 days.

1. Video Games

The number one cause of post-adulthood onset autism, is video games. While many adults grew up playing video games, now video games have taken the place of TV as the most watched form of entertainment. People who play video games are only a small percentage of the “gamer culture”. Researchers recommend attributing 0% of your day to video games. The risk of autism is too high for any video games to be considered safe for consumption.

We hope you found this guide helpful. Leave your thoughts in the comments.